One Month

This week has been a little insane.

Mondays are always busy....I have classes from 8 am to around 9 pm, obviously with breaks in between, but it still makes for a long day to have them all so spread out. Tuesday was another busy day, with classes, papers, practicing, and a meeting with a guy from New City named Mario who's helping to start an InterVarsity here on the UMSL campus. I also got to play capture the flag, and it was nice to just run around for a little while...that's something I definitely haven't done enough of lately. Wednesdays are the same sort of schedule as Mondays, and this particular Wednesday, I also had a meeting with one of the Cru leaders named Kara to get to know each other and talk about being on campus and what the spiritual climate is like. Sometimes in these sorts of meetings I sometimes feel like I'm not qualified to give answers to the questions they ask...or I feel like I haven't been paying attention to things I should have been or something. It's odd.

Anyway, Wednesday evening, I had a bit of a meltdown. I felt really lonely and uncared for and just sick of this: sick of meeting new people, sick of putting myself out there, sick of feeling like I'm going it alone, sick of feeling awkward, and sick of trying so hard. After phone calls from two of my closest friends and writing Jesus a letter, I am doing much better. I'm once again struggling with my need to hold on to the events and things in my life, rather than truly surrendering them to Jesus. I guess being here makes me feel like I need to prove myself. I'm here on scholarship, which means there are people who believe in me. I don't ever want to disappoint these people. I'm also here for music, which is a very skill-based field. I listen to musicians who I feel are more competent than I, and I feel a little discouraged because I know I have so far to go and so much to learn. This is also the first time I have ever lived on my own...I'm here without family, close friends, and people that I've known all my life, and I have to look after myself, you know? I have to be responsible, take care of things that need to be taken care of, feed myself, have a budget, make important decisions, and assert myself when need be. I want to prove to myself and to everyone who has invested in me that I can succeed. And I know I'm not alone. God has promised that He is always with me and will never forsake me...not to mention all of you at home who love me. This knowledge just needs to make the transition from my head to my heart, and I need to let go and trust Him. Easier said than done, right? All of you who continue to pray for me, thank you from the bottom of my heart. To my two angels on Wednesday, thank you for letting me whine at you and talk things out with you and for loving me and speaking God's truth into my life. I am so grateful for both of you!

After beginning to deal with all of that on Wednesday, I felt much better Thursday. I had a lesson, which I always look forward to because I learn so much and I can see much more clearly what is improving and what is still the same. For example, this week, my left hand position and strength and flexibility in my fingers is getting better, and it's exciting to be able to see some steady improvement in at least one area. :) That evening, a bunch of friends and I went to Steak and Shake for my first time and a free SLSO concert at Forest Park, which concluded with fireworks! It was really fun and it was nice to just chill with some people I am really getting to know. This is a picture of my friend Mike and I being pirates....I think the flash took me off guard. :)

And here's Cortney at the Steak and Shake, which is like a diner-fast food hybrid thing. It's way good times.

Also, thank you Aunt Sue and Aunt Sandy for the packages! You guys are amazing. My friend Erin was with me when I opened the cookbook and she got really excited to cook things together. :)

Alright....I'm off to practice again. I've got SLSYO rehearsal tomorrow and I've got to get those Dvorak fingerings back into my brain! :)

Love always,

Maren